Doing Things Just For Doings Sake

I have been done with University for the past month and a half now and it's stressful trying to get a job. Trying to maintain a routine has been key to not having a full fledged breakdown, but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been struggling. And struggling I have, big time. Since my birthday meltdown last month I have been getting by pretty well, but not having a job nor an education to work towards is getting on my nerves. Having a job means having a routine and something to keep my mind preoccupied.

I've gone from having a job and being a university undergraduate, to being unemployed and it's beginning to take its toll. I know most grads would be jumping at the chance to relax after all the hard-work they've just put in to their degree, but I am ready to get out there already. The problem is I have social anxiety/anxiety and it is sometimes a problem doing everyday tasks and so I often question how I am going to survive in the real world that faces me. Will I completely fail? Will I cower and avoid situations that make me feel uncomfortable? All these questions are negative, of course, that's the way my brain works. It naturally jumps to the negative and that's something I am working on, improving the way I see and perceive situations.

But with all this in mind, during my small strength and resistance workout this morning, I found myself pondering the idea am I doing it to prove a point? Am I just doing things for doings sake? As people we do this on a daily basis, we do things just to go through the motions. There's no enjoyment in the task at all, but it needs to get done. Like washing up the plates, or doing the laundry, because if we don't, who will? But there are certain things that we need to drop because they don't make us feel good and it's unnecessary to put ourselves through that.

These thoughts and emotions stem from my looming Graduate Assessment day, but the thing is that it's for a position that I don't even want. But neither do I know what I want to do, so should I just go for it? Probably wasting both my time and my money on buying train tickets to get there. Or should I kindly phone up and say that I won't be attending. If it's not something you want to do, should you continue ahead and do it anyway is the question I am asking? If I was offering advice to someone else, I would say forget it, phone up and cancel. And maybe that's the advice I should follow myself.

I'm not someone who left University knowing what they wanted to do, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I am only now realising that. Everybody has their own path to follow and at the moment I am definitely feeling lost. But I can't help think that feeling 'lost' is a kind of luxury, a luxury I can only afford for a while longer. Time and money are both running thin and I need to have a serious think about what I want to do and how to go about achieving that. If that means taking classes and working retail, then that should be the path I follow.

I think this is enough rambling from me. It is time to get on with the rest of the day, including a trip up the A&E with the mother for her messed up eye.

xoChloexo 

It's Not Always Sunshine and Roses...

After having such a good run of success it's easy to forget the struggles. Hard times come to us all, and I guess I forgot how much I have struggled in my bid to get where I am. When you fall down it is easy to throw in the towel and drop everything one by one and give up. And the past few weeks have definitely tested me.


Source

At the moment life is testing me, and there are definitely days where I want to curl up into a ball and forget about the day. This has probably been indulged by my lie-ins and naps. Prolonging the start of the day and then needing a break from it. Why do the struggles bring on such lethargy and tiredness? And for no reason what-so-ever.


Source

I think that it is time to pick myself up, learn from my past mistakes these last few weeks and get on with things.

I know I have been telling myself that every few days for the past couple of weeks. But I can't prolong this any more. I need to appreciate where I am, where I have been and where I am going. Because I have got a lot to be thankful for.

So today I am writing this post to remind myself and to remind anyone out there that we all have our struggles, but getting back up is always an option.

Final message...


Source

Haha. Love this quote!

How do you make it through tough times?

What's your ultimate happy quote?

xoThanks for Readingxo

Taking A Moment...

...to breathe. Because there is nothing wrong with that, and sometimes that's just what we need to do. Lately, I have found myself taking moments. In these moments I take deep breaths and think about what I need to do logically. And then I write down those things in a list...this makes me feel immediately a little bit better.

(Source) via Pinterest

This gives me what I need to get the ball rolling, and before you know it things start happening and your list shrinks in length. I strongly dislike feeling overwhelmed, like nothing will ever get done. It weighs you down in too many ways and makes you drag yourself around life - rather than bouncing around it in strides.

This entire week feels like a blur, like nothing really happened and I never really got going. I know it's only Thursday and that there's still time to get a few things ticked off my list. But I have also been feeling lethargic, tired and irritable. And I have to remind myself that this isn't anybody else's problem but my own. Another thing I have to remember. We all have our days, and I'm no different. But on those days it is really easy to take it out on the people around you, and that's definitely not fair.

(Source) via Pinterest

Last night, whilst getting ready to go out, I realised how far I have come in a year and for that I am grateful. Sure, I have wished that I had felt this way years ago but I cannot change that, all I can change is the present and the future. These are the things we need to cling on to. Then it got me thinking about the people who helped me get there, my mom (but she's always there) and secondly my CBT therapists. Sue and Jane really helped me turn my world around and gave me back control over my own life. I have been meaning to write them a letter for ages now and I think it's about time I got on with it...after all, it's always nice to know that people appreciate what you do.

(Source) via Pinterest

My eating at the moment is off and on. One moment I can't stop eating and then the next I don't want anything at all. Unfortunately at the moment I am stuck in the first category. I haven't set my weekly goals this week and I think that may be something to do with it. But I also weighed myself the other day and I made a weight goal, which is something I haven't done in a while! And I think it has thrown me off, because that's not the way I work any more. I used to live by the scale and by the numbers, but now (maybe not forever) it's not working for me. Sure, I want to lose weight and get stronger through exercise - but not using that method. That's where I am struggling...

What method do I use?! With all my medical problems, especially with my stomach. It makes things difficult to gage when eating, and I find myself questioning when is best to eat, if I am even hungry. And I think that sometimes I over think things. Shouldn't it be simple. You can be hungry, not hungry or peckish, right? I guess not. I don't want to diet or go on a crazy fast or anything, but I do want to re-establish some goals again. Maybe, I have goals for the month again but readdress them every week with a post on how I am getting on? 

As you can tell, I am feeling a bit lost and down in the dumps at the moment. And I hate to be all doom and gloom but I also don't want to be dishonest and post about sunshine and rainbows when they aren't there!

I just need to re-focus everything, and come up with a plan. Not starting tomorrow either, starting after I finish this post.

Goals for the rest of February:

*Exercise at least 3 times a week.

*Don't eat after 7

*Drink plenty of fluids

*Listen to my body

The first three are my usual goals but the last one is a little different. I've included that one because I haven't been doing this as much as I could. I need to start getting to bed earlier, having some me time, and eating when I want to what I want to. Now I'm not going to eat all the chocolate in my cupboard just to satisfy a craving, but I am going to figure out what I'm craving i.e Sugar, Carbs, Meat and then seek out a healthier choice.

Fingers crossed that by the end of the month I am in a different position entirely, and I am feeling a bit better. This months only a short one and there are only 22 days left, but I really want to make them count!

I hope so! (Source) via Pinterest

How often do you set yourself goals?

and...

How often do you re-assess them?

xoThanks for Readingxo

Catching Up...

Or should I say Catching Fire. I've got to say after seeing the latest installment of The Hunger Games last Tuesday, this one was actually good! I have read all three books and thought they were really good - bar the ending of the last. But that first film was a pile of you know what!

Anyway, let's get down to business. It's been a while since I sat down and wrote a post. And that's not from one thing but multiple things. Lately has just generally been busy. If I am not stressing over Uni work, I am at work and if I am not there I am doing other stuff - just life in general is happening. It's mainly just that time of year. Which I love so I shouldn't complain. But honestly there just aren't enough hours in the day.

I have a few photos to share from over the past couple of weeks. I really want to start writing again, so hopefully I get a chance to write a post every now and then.

Here's to catching up!

I tried Porridge and Jam. It's good but it doesn't meet beat Nuttella.

I tried out the latest trend of bold dark lips and mascara only. Please, ignore the split ends.

I've been working.

 (Re-used Photo)

I tried Caramel coffee using the freebie I got in the post, and it's so good! So good I had to go buy a jar :-D If your drink of choice is a caramel latte from Starbucks or Costa or wherever then I've got you covered.

Oh, and I drank more coffee. It was deadline week, and I spent an insane amount of money on...yeah, you guessed it - Caramel Latte's.

I rediscovered my love for beetroot.

And M&M peanuts!

Oh yeah I had an endoscopy. A procedure where a camera goes down your throat and into your stomach...yeah it is as bad as it sounds!

Lookily I could wear my clothes under my gown but it wasn't the best pattern let's admit it. Why do hospital gowns get designed in this way?

I finally got to go see the Arctic Monkeys!

With my sister.

All I needed was a tiny dog with this bad boy of a headband ;-D

And I made my best pancakes to date on Sunday...which was yesterday...but I forgot because I am getting my dates mixed up :-D

These were my best friends. And she asked me to photograph the pancakes face...so I did!

And that is it. For now...

Hope you have a great start to the week!

xoThanks for Readingxo

Sort-of Sunday Set-Up

Tomorrow will mark the first week of Semester 1 Classes and also the beginning of my last year. Scary stuff. But I also want to make sure that I make time to fit everything in this semester. No matter how stressed I get, I need to relax and remember that balance has been achieved before and will be achieved again. I just have to have faith in my ability to work as hard as I can. I sure know the pay-off come Christmas will definitely be worth it.

Sometimes, I will have to remind myself that things don't always go as planned and that is in fact ok. It is definitely not the end of the world and my reactions and decisions will be key to handling this. And that it is my reactions and decisions that define me. Lists will once again become my best friend, and like last year my caffeine consumption will borderline on the insane! The saying 'It will all be worth it!' will be in fact a daily chant that I recite to myself in order to keep my sanity, whilst balancing a textbook on my head and lifting some weights.


Source

What I am trying to say, is that things are about to become insane, but my handling of the situation will change the way the year goes. Even when things are stressful I am going to split my time into things I need to get done academically and things I do for me. Balance, balance, balance....obviously balance is not always attainable down to the dot, but I can certainly try right?


Haha :D Source

I already know the things that make me smile, and so I am going to list them right here to make sure when I re-visit this post in a time of need they will act as a reminder!

*Cooking

*Baking

Source

*Writing

*Reading

Source 

*Walking

*Exercising (general)

Baha...this is definitely me and my best friend. On occasions, I have been known to stop and bend over because I am crying so hard. Source

And because I saw this one too and couldn't resist including it...

Source - I think it has happened to all of us! Am I right?

*Photography

*Socialising with Friends

From one of the best episodes! Source

*Shopping

: D Source

*Organising

Ahh I have had dreams about organising my things like the above!

My plan for this week is simple as far as cooking and exercise is concerned. Make time for both. Check out signing up to a gym with friends and go for walks. Maybe we will even get a chance to go swimming or running for the first time since back! I sure hope so.

Oh and before I go...this film is out soon and I can't wait to get it. Did anybody else see it over Summer? Definitely one of my favourites!


Aww...two of my favourite movie characters right there.

Hope you all had a great weekend, and now back to the weekly grind!

xoThanks for Readingxo

Time For A Change

And whilst I am writing this post I am singing 'Changes by Ozzy Osbourne and Kelly Osbourne' in my head. Catchy. Anyways like the title says, I am feeling a change coming on. Nothing too dramatic for this blog, it's just the title of the blog really that I am keen to change! I picked the title for this blog a year and a half ago now, and a lot as changed. I only really started using this blog as a writing outlet at the beginning of the year, and as I have got more and more into it things that I used to like no longer serve the purpose they had. This includes the title!

It's also time for an added change. I find myself lately wanting to write posts that wouldn't necessarily go with the theme of this blog. Yes, this blog is all about my life, but it's mainly about; Health, Food, Cooking, Baking, Fitness, Exercise and what not. And that's the category they fall into, because that's the sort of things I started off writing about and I still love to write about! But I find myself wanting to write a post about the new shoes that I brought, or the new make-up that I have been trying out, and although I guess I could integrate those kind of posts into this blog I have made a clear decision to start a second blog where I can write about all of that. Don't know when that will be up and running yet, and I have probably picked the worst time of year to make that decision (it being the beginning of the school year and everything!) But it's what I want to do and are determined to do and so there you have it.

I have also decided that I want to have a crack at making YouTube videos that will all be linked to both blogs in content. I am excited by these up and coming personal projects, and I just hope I haven't overloaded myself too much!

This blog has been a massive help to my anxiety, and my road to recovery if you will. When I started CBT at the beginning of the year, I wouldn't have guessed where the next nine months would take me and I wouldn't have guessed this is where I would be. And I definitely wouldn't have guessed that my head would be in such a good place.

Sure I still suffer from anxiety, and in particular social anxiety. Maybe that fact will never change, but the difference is that I now have a hold on the situation, and have all the tools to help manage my problems. And you guys have no idea how much this blog and your views and comments help me to overcome that. 

Here's to change. Hope you all are well!

And...

xoThanks for Readingxo

Have you ever had any type of therapy for whatever reason, and what are the things you do to cope with your problems?

How many blogs do you have? and Do you write about different things on each, or stick to one where you talk about all things?

Anyone else suffer from Social Anxiety? How do you cope?

Let me know, I would really love your feedback on the subject!

It's Time To Scale Back!

Hey Guys,

Today I tackled the scale head on this morning. I decided that not knowing was probably worse than knowing, and so with those weighed up options in mind I hopped onto the scale. Where 10 st 7.5 (147.5lbs) was flashing back up at me. It's there, it always is, and we all have a number that we think defines us. Not necessarily in weight, but we all put something on what we are worth or how we or others see us.

That number means I am up four pounds. But am I shocked? No, I am not. With how I have been eating on and off for the past six weeks, or however long it is, it is no surprise. But I am hoping with a little diet clean up and getting on my own back about exercise I can soon turn things around. 

I just keep telling myself that it's four pounds, and a manageable amount to get off in the next month. So, by October I hope for those four pounds to be gone, and then re-evaluate my mini goals from there. My ultimate longer-term goal is to be 9 stone 11 by the time I leave for Christmas. Which when looked at properly seems like an attainable goal. That number though (137) is ten and a half pounds down from where I am now. And if we were calculating from today, which of course we are that means there are fifteen weeks until the twenty first.

But say I lost a pound a week, I do realise that it leaves 5 weeks, and in these five weeks I hope to maintain before I go back here/home for Christmas. 

Well I have come up with a general plan. Now to make it happen. 

I will keep you guys update, mainly whenever I feel about it, and obviously keep checking the right-side bar to check out my weight, which will hopefully be moving down!

xoThanks for Readingxo

Are You Accountable?

The overriding question on my mind this week has been; is it time I became accountable again?

It has been weeks since I weighed in; hopped on the scale and jotted down my weight. Not only on the blog for everyone to see, but also for myself. I have been 'avoiding' it for all the wrong reasons, and not by choice. And so it's time I hopped on the scale and saw for myself the number flashing back. 

I am not going to lie to anyone, including myself, and it's the truth when I say the number sometimes defines me - no matter how much I shy away from it. Admittedly, it isn't the best way to think or go about it, but it's one of the things that I struggle to resolve - no matter how hard I try. It's the thing that always sneaks back up to bite me!

It may be decades before my issues with the scale are resolved. It may never end. Who knows? All I can say is that I am always working on it, and it has always been part of 'my search for an healthier life'. Although it is ongoing, I try not to think too hard about it, or let it get me down too much - and I am so glad that is the attitude I have now towards the scale. Before, especially in my early teens, the scale would break me down every-single-Saturday ('weigh-in day'). I would work out like crazy the day before, take water tablets and barely eat, and that's definitely something I tend to shy away from these days.

But with all that said, and out in the open, sometimes it helps and reassures me. It shows me that I am healthy, and respect my body. And when I am not it goes up dramatically, or goes down dramatically - depending on what way I have chosen to punish my body. But lately I've not been too kind to my body, this time though its 'more normal', and it's because of my enjoyment of life. Instead of denying myself food and sitting alone at home, or indeed doing the complete opposite and bingeing (I hate that word by the way), it has been because I've started to put myself out there again. Which I just can't seem to see as a bad thing.

Because I think of where I was a year from now, and am grateful for how much has changed! I seriously am. And for that I am proud of myself, which I have struggled with all through my teens. So yes, I do want to take steps (not-so-drastic) and soon to improve my health, which I hope to achieve just by diet and moderate exercise alone. At the moment I am missing my 'feel good' feelings. You know the ones?! The ones that you get from a clean healthy diet and daily exercising. That energised feeling where you want and feel as though you can accomplish everything. Yep, I want that back. I had it when I left Chelt and I swear I had it up until last month - but I just keep reminding myself that it's by no means too long gone to get it back. That it in fact is never too late to get it back, end of.

I've been doing better this entire first week of September. I have limited the treats and kept a daily food diary. I've even been getting some daily exercise in. And it feels exactly as I knew it would and always has done - it feels great to be back on the right track!

Oh, and also thank you to you guys too. In times of crisis this little ol' blog keeps me going.

xoThanks for Readingxo