December...

This is a month I actually had no trouble with last year, but I had severe gastritis so it was painful to eat. I weighed about 9st 4- 9st 7, which is a weight I like very much but one I have trouble maintaining because when I get there it's always a long time coming and somewhat unfamiliar territory. And so I struggle. But I'm on another so called "journey". I hate that word because with our weight it's the thing we are most in control with, and so we 'in a way' get to decide where one "journey" begins and when another ends. But having this control is hard, especially when you lose the control because you become out of control, which is something I don't have enough fingers and toes to count.

Loss of control is the thing that I struggle with, with weight loss, yes but mainly maintenance. I'm generally ok at loosing, even better at gaining, but terrible at maintenance. Ok, so it's realistic to fluctuate and it happens to everyone - whether it's just that time of the month, or it could be the time of the year, like this time where temptation is everywhere. It's called temptation for a reason, and there's always something that I try to remind myself of that I sometimes struggle to follow through on. That is that I have the control. Me. But this fact slips out of the window, especially when it comes to treats.

My weight has fluctuated somewhat over the years; from 11st 3 to 8st 7. Now my weight normally reflects my mental state. If I'm happy my weight is low, if I fall into a slump and become depressed and anxiety riddled my weight goes through the roof. Now I'm aware of this pattern, I'm not trying to turn a blind I to the facts. But it's still a struggle, and sometimes my awareness is that acute it becomes a hazard that doesn't help the situation one little bit.

I know what needs to be done, but lately my grades have been more important than my weight. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing - but there will always be something won't there? If it's not my grades I'll find something else, another excuse. After the holidays my health will once again become a priority, but for now my grades are number one, whilst I am still trying to make balanced choices food wise.

Whew, that feels like a weight off my chest - now let's direct that to my thighs! Ha ha.

Body Image Real or Not Real?

I've been struggling with body image again in the last week more than usual. I mean it's not unusual. I normally always have body image struggles and hang ups, whether I'm getting ready for a night out or just going to class. But it get's worse the more healthier I try to be - if that makes sense? Well for me it's always been that way anyways. Even since my early teens, maybe even before that who knows! Well lately I can feel the anxiety building when I have to put on clothes and go some where, or even just taking a shower triggers the same feelings. Anyway I'm trying to solve the issue and make it easier to live with right now. And I've been thinking exercise in whatever form is the way to go- build it up little by little and regain my strength slowly. So I'm going to work on consciously adding that in, starting small like I said.

Hopefully it helps, and I regain some control back over my negative thoughts.

November Goals

My November goals are broken down into many areas of my life. I've got my food/eating goals, my deadline and work goals as a student, and also my exercise goal(s), which is basically to move more if I'm honest. Being a student, especially since I do English Lit and Creative Writing means there's a lot of reading and writing involved meaning I'm sedentary a lot of the time. My goal is to be more active by taking walks for breaks and yoga and also starting to stretch again. I want to start small be consistent and then get back up to the level of activity I was earlier this year.

Food Goals:

• Eat more intuitively
• Eat smaller portions
• Eat only when hunger kicks in (by that I mean not when it goes a certain time and my brain goes FOOD)
• Listen to my Body
• Experiment with new food- Especially winter vegetables that sometimes freak me out

Exercise Goals:

• Move more
• Stretch more

Simple.

Studying and Deadlines:
I'm keeping on it at the mo. But I can feel myself slipping on certain modules.

• Prepare in advance for projects
• Try to calm my anxiety and panic (and remember it's better to try and fail, than fail to try!)

Basically a month (for me) to get on top of things. And establish some sort of rhythm. 

Right. Moving on to my eats of late. I've been snacking. Which isn't always a good thing for me.

 So it may look and sound disgusting, but it's actually tasty. A jacket potato with cheese ham and onion and then half a plate of sprouts (because they are tasty and it the freezer) covered in red sauce.

 Don't JUDGE a square of dark chocolate and crunchy peanut butter. Tasty snack, just what I wanted.

Strange breakfast but I needed to mix things up. Plus I'm trying to lay off the bread; a banana, plain natural yoghurt, chopped nuts and rice cakes (need to but more I seem to have eaten them all).

It's not all cheese HONEST. A little bit of wholewheat pasta, ham, cheese, some mayo and a tonne of veggies and salad.

Believe it or not the first time I've had toasted pitta bread dipped in my tuscan bean soup (shop brought). I've slightly warmed and coated in PB before but this was definitely one of my most brilliant ideas this week!

Another breakfast (slight) change up; banana, natural plain yog, chopped nuts and a broken up cereal bar.

My fave mug to have hot drinks in of late. I've had this cup since I was thirteen or something like that- love love love it.

It's that time of the month again and I'm craving milk. This was the snack I ate on Sunday whilst putting the finishing touches on an assignment due the next day. God knows where these assignments are coming from. It's like I have one every week.

Ok so I've been very naughty this week! I've been snacking on sweeties that me and my best friend brought on Halloween (luckily, or not so luckily they are all gone).

One of my snacks of choice has been crisps lately [they are all gone :(]

This is the tasty mess that was dinner Tuesday night. Chicken breast chopped up with veggies (lots- we love our mushrooms), seasoned with a pre-made BBQ packet and home-made wedges that I'm getting pro at.

I've really been focusing on getting my veggies, fruits and salads in lately, after noticing I'd been slacking. This is wholewheat pasta, onion, pepper, cucumber, tuna mayo, and later I went back for cheese!

This snack/desert was a bit too much med banana and a gala apple. I've made a concious decision to not buy PB this week it was becoming addictive and I was putting it on everything and anything.

And finally my breakfast this morning. You know it's nearly winter because I'm breaking out the weetabix and warm milk combo, and I added some chopped mixed nuts for some texture. I also ate a banana whilst waiting for the milk to heat as I was really hungry after class.

Is anyone else changing their eating habits up as it's getting colder outside?

Down But Certainly Not Out!

As the title says I'm feeling down but I'm definitely not counting myself out. Well trying to anyways. Maybe it's just the time of the month, but I seem to be experiencing so many emotions lately. I'm upset, I'm angry (though I nearly wrote hungry- it happens), I'm annoyed, I'm finding others annoying. It's basically a never ending cycle of different and every emotion you can think of. As I've probably expressed or felt it at some point over these last few days. I don't mean to do it, but it's like I can't help it.

My eating hasn't been out of control either. I decided not to way in Friday. I know what you're thinking but I just couldn't face the scale this week. My stomach has been playing up again. I guess it really never got back to normal after my bout of gastritis last winter which I was taking medication for. I've been considering going to the doctors about it, but for now it's not too bad. Anyways I've been feeling bloated like I'm carrying around extra weight. But like I said I'm hoping it's just the time of the month!

I've decided I'm going to weigh in next Friday- the 16th. That's a definite. Whether I feel good or otherwise -it's happening. But I've decided to loosely start tracking what I eat on Livestrong again. It's a tool I've used in the past and have had success with. It's also drove me crazy but at the moment I think it's essential I track and see what's going on with my diet. And it's proven interesting so far, though I've been made aware what I'm eating and when I'm eating. I'm going to continue with this method, and hopefully improve my eating in general and also with my habits.

My Recent Eats & An Basic Update

Well everything is going Ok...I guess. I'm beginning to do that thing in my head where I wig myself out and undermine my recent efforts and weight loss and everything else that's going on. I guess my OCD spreads to every area in my life. Chelsea from One Healthy Munchkin mentioned on a post the weekend that she always strives for perfection and it's all becoming too much, and so she's just going to give everything her best. And that should be good enough right? Even when I get good grades I consider it a loss because I could of got a better grade or spent more time on the assignment etc etc. Or when I lose weight I undermine that too- Only a pound! I mean I should accept and appreciate every loss but I don't. I want to weigh less, move more, have a different shape, a different face, different grades. I basically want my entire life to be different, enhanced in some way. But it's something I read over the weekend on Roni's blog http://ronisweigh.com/. She said 'Do not spoil'- basically don't spoil what you have by desiring what you don't (taken from a quote by  Epicurus). And it's true I'm constantly wanting something I don't have or maybe don't have yet, or maybe it will never be realistic I don't know. But I am the kind of person who believes if they want something bad enough, they can get it or achieve it.

Anyways, enough of all the deep stuff. Here's some of my recent eats:

I've been eating out of comfort lately and not out of health. I think a diet re-vamp is needed. I'm feeling sluggish, comatosed and heavy. I think the less processed, more natural is the way I'll be going. Hopefully the changes help mentally not just physically :)

Weight...

I'm trying to take a more relaxed approach to weigh ins. I've actually been doing them once every two weeks, but as of next week I'm going to try weekly again and see how I get on. I'm back to the same weight I was back in July- at least I'm back under eleven right? That's what my head said when I saw the number on the scale. My next goal is the 140's. Even though I'm more comfortable in the 130's I'm trying to take my time and set more smaller goals. Challenges I can set myself and focus on making those little lifestyle changes and cementing those healthy habits (some of which have deteriorated over the year).

I definitely need accountability and I'm kidding myself if I try telling myself I don't. Maybe one day I won't need it but at the moment I can't see that being the case. I definitely have the utmost respect for those who don't need to see the number, for whatever reason there is.

This week would be nice to leave the 150's, but I also want to be practical so maybe a 2lb weight loss? That seems reasonable I just need to up the anti by getting more exercise in and watching what I eat. Basically watching the little things that will hopefully add up to a good weight loss next Friday. Anyways, until next time.

Sort of Healthy Cheesecake?

Ok so the recipe was supposed to be a healthier version of a classic cheesecake. But putting the needed ingredients into the mixing bowl it didn't feel very healthy at all. Me and my best friend Al are always baking; scones, biscuits, sponge cakes, brownies, muffins. We love trying new things, but neither of us have ever tried to bake/make a cheesecake. Mainly out of shock of the ingredients, fat content, calories etc.  So when I found this lighter, lower fat recipe we thought we'd give it a go.

 The base was pretty simple 12 digestives crushed finely and 2tbsp butter/margerine melted and mixed in with the biscuits, creating the delicious base. This was Al's part of the masterpiece that is our cheesecake.

 This is me looking like I know what I'm doing with the eggs and cream cheese mixture.

 The part in the mixture where I began worrying about the consistency and texture. Lookily as you can see from the pic below it came together. Panic over!

Al completely massacred this orange and lemon, which the recipe said to add the zest of each. After googling what zest was (yes we forgot), we added it! Won't be doing that again was completely over powering and too much. But because we all love cheesecake so much it was still devoured in two days. A respectful time for cheesecake to last I do be thinking :)

So after letting it cool down when it came out of the oven after 55 minutes on 140 c (fan assisted), we put it in the fridge overnight (the recipe said eight hours) and was excited when we got up (yes we are that sad) to find... ta dah! A CHEESECAKE.

We definitely want to make another. Maybe a chocolate brownie one. Sounds yum right?

Finding My Flow

I'm slowly but surely finding myself again, both in the mind and in the body. It's been a tough and bumpy road these past two months and it has definitely took me a while to get back into my stride. It feels like for the past two months I have been at the crossroads, not knowing what path to choose. I'm trying to not let this post become too deep, but at the same time I want to just be honest, be me. So I've figured out who I want to be and who I want to be perceived as. It's just becoming that person I'm struggling with.

Anyways on a lighter note these are some of the things I've been eating lately...

Lately Breakfast has consisted of toast (as many crusts I can get my hands on), eggs with ketchup and a cup of tea (lately hot coffee makes me nauscious).

These were my snacks this week. Yes they could be better, but I'm working on it, it's progression after all. A lot of dark chocolate I know- it's a favourite! Oh and of course crunchy PB.

I'm not normally a sandwich for lunch kinda girl, but this week I was craving a good old salad and turkey slices sandwich. Oh and crisps have become a snack of choice which is not ideal but I figured a small pack of reduced fat crisps won't kill me.

So, that's how my weeks been. Better but not yet great.

I'm Making Goals Again!

Some people love them and some people hate them, but for me goals help. From the big goals to the tidgy tiny small goals. I make them all. I'm starting small again setting goals to write again and read again. Weight goals aren't high up there at the moment. I weighed myself the other day and it didn't go the way I'd hoped, so I'm going to give the scales a break for a couple of weeks.

No exercise the last couple of days. My headaches are killing me, to the point where I'm actually feeling nauseous. I'd like to be able to exercise without feeling like rubbish. I just hope they go away soon. Like I said before I think it's my blood sugar levels, I need to get them under control and I think the most part of that is finding the balance with food. I don't no whether to just keep exercising and just go easy, or stop and focus on the food side of things first? Decisions decisions. I'm making plans and aspirations for the future again but nothing too far in the future, it's like I'm scared to commit in case I fail. But I guess I won't know until I try right?  I just want to see progress. But before progress must come commitment and consistency, which is something I'm lacking. I'm definitely apprehensive about the road I'm going down. I'm hoping it's a different road and not one I've already been down. If it was a previous road I would know immediately the danger and I'd guess that would be both insightful and advantageous.

I just need to be in it for the long haul this time. There are no quick fixes just consistency and hard work. The Olympics have been inspiring at the moment (as they always do). I wish I had the focus of an athlete...maybe one day I will? Anyways until next time.

Bad Day...But I'm Not Panicking

Today started good, then went bad, I climbed back up but it took a bad turn again just. Lately I've been feeling dizzy and nauseous whenever I workout. Not sure whether anybody else experiences this? Anyways today it got so bad I couldn't do the cardio part of my workout, which sucked but I wanted to focus on getting better today so tomorrow turns out good.

Not only did I not workout today, but I've also had a sweet tooth and are now paying for it with a swollen belly. I'm not lingering on it and tomorrow is certainly another day, but I really want to get my diet sorted out. I used to have iron willpower now its more like elastic- not good.

It will be 5 weeks until I go on holiday and I really want to make this next week count for something. Progress is being made but it needs to be consistent. But tomorrow I'm meeting my best friend for lunch and a bit of retail therapy (though mainly window shopping- we are STUDENTS) so that should cheer me up loads.

Still no photos I'm terrible :(

Getting My Head In A Positive Place- I Think?

My head is gradually getting back in that positive frame of mind which came so easy to me back at university. Yesterday I didn't have a good workout at all my head was spinning and I was constantly feeling nauseous. But today's workout was a complete turn around- it was great and I had so much to give. I've realised that morning workouts/early afternoons also are my favourite times of day to get moving and burning those calories.

I have a holiday abroad coming up in a few weeks, so that's constantly at the back of my mind (so is the dreaded bikini). But I'm honestly trying not to let that freak me out or put me off my journey which I've been saying from the beginning is to be healthy inside and out- which means no fad diets. So I'm trying not to pressure my body, so far, so good.

Although today was a good exercise day my eats were only okish. There were white carbs in the form of bread and half a crunchie, oh and did I mention I ate a few fries/chips that my mom cooked for her and my bro and sis. But hey these things happen it doesn't mean I have to binge or purge. I'm going to work on posting more pictures, I just seem to always forget to take any :(

So...since Tuesday I have managed to maintain my weight but not lose. I can definitely see where I can tweak things especially food wise. It's just over 8 and a half weeks until my holibobs, and I would definitely want to lose weight and some extra inches before then. For the next 8 weeks I'm going for it. Flat out. Non-stop. I will be sharing my results on here as I've realised I need some accountability to perform at my best. Here I go. I am like a woman on a quest!

It's been a rough couple of weeks. But I finally realised that in order to move on I need to accept I have yet again gained weight, which is fine since I'm going to lose it all and more again (indefinitely). I am finally in the right mind set and moving on forward.

Anyways I had been obsessed with eggs for breakfast whilst I was at uni, but since I've come back for summer I'd gone off them completely (I'd basically out egged myself- if that's at all possible). The point of this rant is I'm back loving them and have been having my usual two a day for breakfast. Yesterday I had cheese and bacon omelette, today I had my usual and favourite egg brekkie. This.

Hopefully this will gear me up for my workout today. And yes they are two crusts of different breads (I'm obsessed- best part of the loaf).

Rock bottom is what I've hit. There are many roads I can choose to pursue, and I'm going to choose one that is healthy. That is why I'm on a mission. I'm taking a year to get healthy, lose weight and enjoy life. I feel like I've wasted my teens, and I don't want to make the same mistake with my twenties (a decade is just too long). So let the countdown to my twentieth birthday commence (4th of June 2013).

It seems so long away but I'm aware as I get older that birthdays have a way of coming around faster than you can imagine. So from today there's 352 days. Wish me luck :)

So today is the day I'm going to forget the past, move on and start anew. It sounds so simple. Yet I already know it's going to be hard. Wish me luck.