Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Doing Things Just For Doings Sake

I have been done with University for the past month and a half now and it's stressful trying to get a job. Trying to maintain a routine has been key to not having a full fledged breakdown, but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been struggling. And struggling I have, big time. Since my birthday meltdown last month I have been getting by pretty well, but not having a job nor an education to work towards is getting on my nerves. Having a job means having a routine and something to keep my mind preoccupied.

I've gone from having a job and being a university undergraduate, to being unemployed and it's beginning to take its toll. I know most grads would be jumping at the chance to relax after all the hard-work they've just put in to their degree, but I am ready to get out there already. The problem is I have social anxiety/anxiety and it is sometimes a problem doing everyday tasks and so I often question how I am going to survive in the real world that faces me. Will I completely fail? Will I cower and avoid situations that make me feel uncomfortable? All these questions are negative, of course, that's the way my brain works. It naturally jumps to the negative and that's something I am working on, improving the way I see and perceive situations.

But with all this in mind, during my small strength and resistance workout this morning, I found myself pondering the idea am I doing it to prove a point? Am I just doing things for doings sake? As people we do this on a daily basis, we do things just to go through the motions. There's no enjoyment in the task at all, but it needs to get done. Like washing up the plates, or doing the laundry, because if we don't, who will? But there are certain things that we need to drop because they don't make us feel good and it's unnecessary to put ourselves through that.

These thoughts and emotions stem from my looming Graduate Assessment day, but the thing is that it's for a position that I don't even want. But neither do I know what I want to do, so should I just go for it? Probably wasting both my time and my money on buying train tickets to get there. Or should I kindly phone up and say that I won't be attending. If it's not something you want to do, should you continue ahead and do it anyway is the question I am asking? If I was offering advice to someone else, I would say forget it, phone up and cancel. And maybe that's the advice I should follow myself.

I'm not someone who left University knowing what they wanted to do, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I am only now realising that. Everybody has their own path to follow and at the moment I am definitely feeling lost. But I can't help think that feeling 'lost' is a kind of luxury, a luxury I can only afford for a while longer. Time and money are both running thin and I need to have a serious think about what I want to do and how to go about achieving that. If that means taking classes and working retail, then that should be the path I follow.

I think this is enough rambling from me. It is time to get on with the rest of the day, including a trip up the A&E with the mother for her messed up eye.


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