Friday, 6 September 2013

Are You Accountable?

The overriding question on my mind this week has been; is it time I became accountable again?

It has been weeks since I weighed in; hopped on the scale and jotted down my weight. Not only on the blog for everyone to see, but also for myself. I have been 'avoiding' it for all the wrong reasons, and not by choice. And so it's time I hopped on the scale and saw for myself the number flashing back. 

I am not going to lie to anyone, including myself, and it's the truth when I say the number sometimes defines me - no matter how much I shy away from it. Admittedly, it isn't the best way to think or go about it, but it's one of the things that I struggle to resolve - no matter how hard I try. It's the thing that always sneaks back up to bite me!

It may be decades before my issues with the scale are resolved. It may never end. Who knows? All I can say is that I am always working on it, and it has always been part of 'my search for an healthier life'. Although it is ongoing, I try not to think too hard about it, or let it get me down too much - and I am so glad that is the attitude I have now towards the scale. Before, especially in my early teens, the scale would break me down every-single-Saturday ('weigh-in day'). I would work out like crazy the day before, take water tablets and barely eat, and that's definitely something I tend to shy away from these days.

But with all that said, and out in the open, sometimes it helps and reassures me. It shows me that I am healthy, and respect my body. And when I am not it goes up dramatically, or goes down dramatically - depending on what way I have chosen to punish my body. But lately I've not been too kind to my body, this time though its 'more normal', and it's because of my enjoyment of life. Instead of denying myself food and sitting alone at home, or indeed doing the complete opposite and bingeing (I hate that word by the way), it has been because I've started to put myself out there again. Which I just can't seem to see as a bad thing.

Because I think of where I was a year from now, and am grateful for how much has changed! I seriously am. And for that I am proud of myself, which I have struggled with all through my teens. So yes, I do want to take steps (not-so-drastic) and soon to improve my health, which I hope to achieve just by diet and moderate exercise alone. At the moment I am missing my 'feel good' feelings. You know the ones?! The ones that you get from a clean healthy diet and daily exercising. That energised feeling where you want and feel as though you can accomplish everything. Yep, I want that back. I had it when I left Chelt and I swear I had it up until last month - but I just keep reminding myself that it's by no means too long gone to get it back. That it in fact is never too late to get it back, end of.

I've been doing better this entire first week of September. I have limited the treats and kept a daily food diary. I've even been getting some daily exercise in. And it feels exactly as I knew it would and always has done - it feels great to be back on the right track!

Oh, and also thank you to you guys too. In times of crisis this little ol' blog keeps me going.

xoThanks for Readingxo

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